We're Not In Fiore Anymore
by Beczy
Summary: All the girls wanted was to relax in the spa at Brago, the one Mira sent them to, where they wouldn't have to worry about the boys, or magic, or anything bad. The place they end up... Well, it's not a spa. It's not in Fiore either.
1. We're Not in Fiore Anymore

Hi everybody! Long time no see. School got busy and I haven't had too much time to write much :( But I managed to write this piece of crazy brain vomit and am currently 1/3 of the way through the next chapter of Valentine for those of you who read that.

Anyway, this story was first posted on Tumblr as a thank you to my followers when I reached the 100 mark. I posted it as a Fairy Tail X surprise anime. But obviously it's not a surprise for you guys. This is the slightly better edited version (there are less typos). And I'm sure you're eager to read this. Which is why you opened it in the first place. Thank you :D This was tonnes of fun to write and I hope it's just as fun to read.

And what did I rate this? T? Probably. I rate everything T. This could probably be K+ though. I don't know. I haven't read enough fanfiction to get a good idea of the ratings yet. And the descriptions in the guidelines aren't very helpful :/

Just ignore me and my rambling.

Anyway, Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail or Ouran. Unfortunately. I wonder what would happen if I did...

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><p><strong>We're Not in Fiore Anymore<strong>

"Uh, Erza, I don't think this is Brago," Lucy said as she followed her friend. Or, more precisely, her friend's luggage. She pulled her significantly smaller pack higher on her shoulders and surveyed the scenery. According to Mira, Brago was a wonderful country town with lots of sheep and a wonderful spa where the group of six girls (well, technically five girls and a cat) could wind down and relax without having to worry about anything, namely the boys. Lucy doubted that country town and spa was located in a bustling metropolis with strange moving vehicles and bright pink buildings, similar in shade to Natsu's hair.

"Nonsense!" Erza called out. "I know exactly where we're going. Brago's only a little further north."

"I think she did make a wrong turn at that crossroad," Levy whispered in Lucy's ear. "I've never seen this place before."

"Should we tell her?" Lucy asked her small friend nervously.

"Maybe. I do want a break soon but… Wendy should do it."

"_What!_" the young dragonslayer squeaked. "Why me?"

"Because it's impossible to be angry at you. And I don't particularly want to die." Levy reached out and took Wendy's hand. "Could you do it, please? For us?"

"No, Wendy will not. I forbid her." Charle flew down to eye level; paws perched on her small hips. "You may not use her as a sacrificial lamb just because you fear Erza."

"You're all a bunch of wusses," Cana muttered. She took a swig from her silver flask and swallowed hard. "Erza!" she called, full of fire given to her by the expensive spirits. "We're going the wrong way. We need to—Ow." This last part was added, almost as an afterthought, as Cana walked into the luggage cart, which had stopped rather suddenly. "What the hell, Erza," she muttered, rubbing her nose. "You better not have done that on purpose or I'll kick your arse."

"What's wrong, Erza?" Wendy asked as she walked to the front of the cart, the others trailing behind.

Their red headed friend was frowning gat the large pink double doors in front of them. "This isn't in Brago."

Cana rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

"Do you have any idea where we could be?" Lucy asked anxiously. They were lost. She hated being lost. At least they weren't in a forest this time. That had been horrible. Bugs for lunch, fish for dinner, no soft beds or blankets, Natsu snoring (it was even louder in the wilderness. And she thought she had gotten used to it), and the cold baths in the river. Lucy shivered at the unlikely possibility. They wouldn't be relying on anyone's nose if she had her way.

"There's a sign up there," Levy pointed out. As they looked up their gazes passed a window, the view of which revealed they were mysteriously higher than the first floor.

"Music room number three," Erza murmured. "I wonder what that means… Let's find out." She placed her hand on the door, slowly turning the handle. Her comrades protested. There could be monsters behind there! Or bugs! Or creepy perverts!

The reveal was agonisingly slow. The door creaked open, only blinding white light could be seen through the slowly expanding gap. The girls braced themselves, prepared to fight whatever leapt from its depths.

A gush of sweetly scented wind carrying beautiful pink rose petals was not what they expected.

* * *

><p>The doorknob squeaked.<p>

"Was that—"

"The door?" the twins asked as everyone paused to stare at the entrance. They were in the midst of this evening's preparations, creating the perfect tropical atmosphere for their clients' enjoyment.

"Maybe someone really wants to share this cake with us," the oldest boy in the group suggested, though his words were muffled by said desserts. "Isn't that nice, Usa~chan."

"But it's still two hours before we open for business," Haruhi, the only female in the group (not that you would know that from her appearance), pointed out as she closed her textbook.

"Perhaps it was a mistake and they simply chose the wrong room." Kyoya sighed and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Which would be such a shame, we could have earned some profit from it. Back to work, boys."

"No, wait," the blond boy and leader of the group instructed, lifting his hand. "I have a strong feeling about this."

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Not this again, senpai." The last time Tamaki had 'strong feelings' about something they had gotten lost in the slums of Tokyo.

The silence was weighted as they watched the door, waiting for some sort of sign. Everyone, except the small boy munching in his cake, was slowly running out of breath.

The knob turned an inch.

Tamaki leapt from his seat and clapped his hands. "Place, people, places! Beautiful ladies are in dire need of our company. We must not disappoint them!"

"But, senpai—"

"Shush, Haruhi, there is no time." He sprang onto the couch, taking his place in the centre and patted the cushion beside him. "Come take you seat next to Daddy." The others arranged themselves around him, preparing their well-practiced poses.

She was about to refuse when he tugged her onto the seat. Haruhi had barely righted herself when the doors opened.

"Welcome—"

"_NEKOZAWA!"_

The leader of the Black Magic Club stood hunched in the doorway, draped in his usual dark cloak. His voice seemed to drift out from a faceless void. "Uh, Tamaki, Host Club. What a lovely welcoming you have provided me. It could be a little darker, however.

"What are you doing here?" Tamaki demanded as he stood.

"I wanted to ask Haruhi a simple question." Nekozawa walked around the outraged boy and made his way to the couch. "Would you permit me a favour? I'll gladly curse someone for you in return."

"You don't need to do that," Haruhi replied with a nervous laugh. "What would you like to ask me?"

Nekozawa reached into the depths of his cloak and pulled out his cat puppet. "My sister was conversing with Belzeneff last night and somehow during that time he was injured." He poked his finger through a tear in the cat's side. "I trust your medical expertise and wish you to heal him."

Haruhi thought that was a strange way of asking for something to be stitched but reached out and took the puppet from his hands. "I can have him ready by tomorrow morning."

Nekozawa bowed, murmured his thanks, and left, escaping into the dark room where the Black Magic Club conducted its mysterious business.

"Before I depart," he said before closing the door, "I hope you are prepared. Strange occurrences are about to commence."

As soon as he was gone Tamaki snatched the puppet from Haruhi. "No, you may not mend this cursed cat. Daddy forbids it."

Haruhi took it back, snapping, "It's not curse. And you're not my father! How many times do I have to tell you?"

Tamaki gasped and clasped his hand to his chest. "Haruhi," he breathed, pain filling his eyes. "How could you utter such hurtful things to me, your dear—"

Before he could say the taboo word the doorknob squeaked again. The hosts stared at it in horror as it slowly turned.

"Back to your places!" a newly rejuvenated Tamaki commanded, scrambling back to the couch. The clients could not be permitted to see him in such a disarrayed manner. He tore the cat puppet from Haruhi's hand and shoved it between the cushions. She could fetch the creepy thing later.

By the time the automated gust of wind activated they were ready.

"Welcome, ladies, to the Ouran High School Host Club."

* * *

><p>"H-host club," Wendy squeaked, her cheeks heating. Surely Mira wouldn't have sent her—a young, impressionable, innocent girl—to one of <em>those<em> places. Charle would have an aneurysm. As it was, the cat was fairly shocked. She stopped flying and settled on her dragonslayer's shoulder.

Erza didn't seem as perturbed by the host factor. "Where was it you said we were?"

The seven boys arranged across from them didn't appear to hear her.

"I don't think they're our usual clients," one of the redheads whispered.

"Maybe they're new," continued the other.

"Or they're lost," the short, dark haired, high-pitched one muttered. "What do you think, Kyoya?"

"Well," another dark haired boy said, adjusting his glasses, "they certainly don't appear to be Ouran students, and their clothing is rather interesting. What do you propose we do, your highness?" he added slightly mockingly.

One of the two blond boys stood and placed his hand on his forehead in a dramatic movement. Cana had to hold back a giggle. This entire place seemed ridiculous. There were too many flowers, too much pink, and not enough alcohol. She debated leaving the other girls and going back to the guild but decided against it. Wendy looked like she could use the presence of someone sane and calm (Levy and Lucy were too stunned do anything more than gape at the hosts and Erza was… Erza) and this little group of boys and their antics might prove to be entertaining. Her expectations of her father's reaction when she told him she had gone to a host club made the experience worth it. And you never know, they might just serve some alcoholic beverages.

"These poor women must be lost," the boy began, "wandering in this bustling school that is not familiar to them. It has the potential for such tragedy! But luckily they stumbled across these charming noblemen who are eager to do anything to help the beautiful damsels. And I, their fair, reigning monarch, declare that you beautiful ladies will be taken care of. It is the least we can do. So please, come in and allow yourselves to be hosted.

No one moved.

Cana was the first to step forward, rolling her eyes. The other girls followed, Levy and Lucy stumbling after her and Erza marching forward with her usual character. Only Wendy remained frozen in the doorway, questioning her place. She watched the girls sit at one of the many tables. The dark haired boy with the glasses—Kyoya—was talking to them, introducing each of the hosts. Throughout the speech Lucy kept glancing toward her and making a waving motion. She seemed to trust these boys. Maybe Wendy should too.

She walked cautiously toward the group, hesitating slightly before taking the seat between Lucy and Cana. Introductions were over by then and food orders were being taken.

"And what beverage would you like to consume with your meal?" Kyoya asked, scribbling in his black notebook. Wendy realised it had been open since they had first entered the room and he was constantly writing in it. She wondered what interesting things it could possibly contain.

Most of the girls took what was offered—water, milkshakes, smoothes—but Cana had to be classy and ask, "You got any beer?"

"No," Kyoya responded, taking the uncivilised request in stride, "but we do have quite the selection of international award winning teas if milady would like to drink something refreshing."

Cana didn't even hear half of what he had to say, She slammed her hands on the table and stood, angrily declaring, "Tea is for pussies," before storming out of the room. She hoped some other kid around this place had an alcohol stash somewhere. Her small supply had run dry and she needed something stiff to drink if she was going to deal with stuck up pricks.

* * *

><p>Haruhi sighed and buried her face deeper into the textbook, trying to concentrate. But that was an impossible with Tamaki running after the tall brunette, begging the 'damsel' to come back. Her senpai was so dense sometimes.<p>

She gave up on her studying for the moment and walked over to the table where the blonde girl (Haruhi hadn't listened and studied through the introductions and didn't know their names) was apologising for her friend's behaviour.

"I'm so sorry," she gushed. "She didn't mean to be so rude. It's just that—"

Honey interrupted, as he often did, by coming up with something barely related to the conversation that made you think he was nowhere near his true age.

"Hey, Wendy~chan," he said, trotting over to the youngest girl. "Usa~chan and your cat should be best friends! They can play together, and eat cake, and—"

"Excuse me," the cat said. All the hosts stared at it, questioning their ears. Surely it hadn't just talked.

"Charle," Wendy warned, "don't say anything mean."

"But why would I possible want to associate myself with a stuffed rabbit?" she continued haughtily. Wings appeared at her back and she hovered above the table. "That repulsive thing isn't even alive."

Honey was the first to recover from the shock. "How dare you insult Usa~chan like that. You're a horrible cat! Don't listen to her, Usa~chan," he whispered to the rabbit, covering its ears. "She doesn't know you like I do."

"The opinion of a little boy really doesn't bother me," she replied, lowering herself to the table. "And for your information, I am not a filthy cat. I am an Exceed. We are a far superior race."

It was at this point a lonely Tamaki re-entered the scene. Haruhi became aware of his presence when he began shouting.

"It's Belzeneff!" he screamed. "Belzeneff has come to life!" Tamaki tried to hit the poor creature as he overreacted. Wendy was trying to stop him, but to little avail, and the Exceed was trying hard to stay out of his reach.

Haruhi didn't want to deal with the craziness of it. She turned, announcing, "I'm going to study in the library."

Kyoya nodded, granting permission. Haruhi glanced at the clock. There was still a good hour before the host club officially opened for business, plenty of time to study.

"Did you say library?"

Or maybe not.

Haruhi turned to the girl with the short blue hair. "Yes. Ouran has three, each dedicated to different areas of study. They're all quite extensive."

The girl's face lit up. "Can I go with you? I really would love to see them." She turned to her red haired friend who nodded.

"Enjoy yourself, Levy. I'm sure Haruhi will look after you. Just don't be too long."

Levy squealed. "Thanks, Erza! And I won't be idle. I'll see if I can find a way to Brago from here." She ran to the door, almost beating Haruhi to the hallway.

"So where are we going first?" she asked eagerly. Haruhi quietly hoped she'd calm down. She just wanted to study; it was all she'd ever asked for.

* * *

><p>Lucy turned away from the door as it closed behind her beloved bookworm friend and sat in awkward silence with Wendy, watching the hosts go about their business. They were setting up for some extravagant event that required the use of palm trees and fairy lights. She thought the boys reminded her of some people, but couldn't remember whom. It was Tamaki that jogged her memory. He was sitting in front of Erza, talking about one thing or another and not helping his fellow hosts set up.<p>

"You know," he said, taking her hand. "Your beauty is amazing. It reminds me of elegant red roses. Your scent is quite lovely, too. What is it, may I ask?"

Scent.

Perfume.

Men.

_Ichiya._

Lucy shuddered at the thought of the creepy old man. But the personalities of these hosts did resemble the demeanour of Ichiya and his Tri-Mens. Maybe…

"Are you from Blue Pegasus?" she asked.

"Are we from _where_?"

"Blue Pegasus. The wizards' guild."

"Wizards?" One of the twins laughed. "Lady, there's no such thing as wizards or magic."

"Where we come from there is," Wendy said. "We're wizards ourselves.

"Oh yeah?" the other twin said, crossing his arms. "Prove it."

The three girls shared a look and Charle huffed. She thought the sight of an Exceed would be enough to convince them. Evidently not.

Erza stood and reached out an arm. Her hand glowed as her favourite sword appeared. Tamaki started freaking out, saying things about how magic was dark and only had the ability to curse things. Honey was bouncing on Mori's shoulders, begging Erza to make something else appear. The Hitachiins crept closer, exclaiming about how cool this ability seemed to be. Kyoya's reaction was the most sane, but also the strangest.

"Where is it exactly you are from?" he asked calmly, adjusting his glasses yet again.

"Fairy Tail," was Erza's response.

"Fiore," Lucy added. If they didn't know what magic was it was doubtful they had heard of the infamous guild.

"I can't say I've heard of that town before. Have you, Tama—" Kyoya saw his incoherent friend cowering in the corner. "Never mind."

"Do you know where Brago is?" Wendy asked. Maybe he could give them directions and they could get out of this strange place.

"Brago?" I don't think that even exists." The twins flopped into chairs across the table. "Not in Japan anyway."

"Japan?" Lucy frowned. She had read that name in a few of her books. As far as she knew it was a fictional world from a parallel universe. "How—"

"I do not believe this location issue matters," Erza said. "It is quite evident that we're not in Fiore anymore." Her blade had disappeared and her eyes were slightly glazed over. She only looked that way when…

"Strawberry cake is all that matters."

Lucy brought her palm to her face as Erza almost ran to the table in the corner, where a range of delectable desserts was on display. Of course Erza's only vice had to be here.

"Hey! They're my cakes," Honey said chasing after her. "Ask before you take any. Usa~chan and I would be happy to share if you did."

Silence filled the room again. Well, not completely. Erza and Honey were chatting happily as they munched on cake, and Tamaki was still having a meltdown in his corner. Lucy tapped her fingers on the table and Wendy fiddled with the fraying hem of Charle's dress.

"I'm bored," one of the twins groaned. "We should play a game."

"We should play which one is Hikaru!" the other exclaimed. Lucy could barely tell the two apart in casual conversation and she hadn't known them long enough to tell them apart by their hair, which she was sure the mischievous boys changed often. How was she supposed to play such a guessing game? And how could she be sure they wouldn't lie?

The boys pulled green hats from their pockets and spun around, a glittering substance appeared in the air around them to provide a dramatic flare. By the time they completed their turn the hats were pulled low over their hair, covering the part. Lucy decided very quickly that she didn't like this game. She wondered if this was how Natsu had felt in Edolas when—

Lucy stood and pulled out one of her golden zodiac keys. She wanted to play a different game.

Everyone watched her curiously as she summoned the spirit. The process didn't take long and the bored spirits were very eager to be summoned. Sensing her intentions, Gemi and Mini appeared in their Lucy double. They were an exact copy of the one standing in the room.

"If we're going to play your game," the Lucys said in unison, "then we can play our game, too." They turned to Wendy and, with a flare just as dramatic as the Hitachiins, asked, "Which one is the real Lucy?"

"Um… Um…" Wendy didn't like having this many eyes on her. It was hard to think under such pressure. What if she got it wrong? Lucy would hate her.

"No, it's_ my_ piece." Honey's sudden words sounded vicious, but that was lost on Wendy as she sighed in relief, glad for the distraction.

"Why?" Erza demanded, slamming her fists on the table. The glass cutlery resonated with the force. "I am the guest, I should get the cake."

"But it's my cake. Usa~chan and I get it. Right, Takashi?"

"Hm."

Wendy flinched as the small silver fork snapped in Erza's hand.

"What a rude little boy," Erza muttered under her breath.

"_Erza…_" Lucy warned. Things were about to get bad.

"If you do not give me my strawberry cake you may not live to regret the decision."

"It's my cake!" Honey reached across the table and stole the plate, as fast as a striking snake. The entire slice disappeared before Erza could stop him.

"You little pig." She stood and requipped into her Heaven's Wheel armour. An endless amount of swords began to assemble, hovering in the air above her head, threatening her small opponent. "You will pay for that."

"Erza don't!" Lucy shouted. Gemini had disappeared, the game forgotten. "He's just a kid. And it was only a piece of cake."

Erza raised her arms. "It wasn't just cake. It was the last piece of _my strawberry cake!_" She swung her arms forward. "Circle sword!"

The sword flew with incredible speed, you could only see the blur of movement. The sheer number obscured Honey from view. No one in the room could see him. Wendy was sure he was pinned to the floor, bleeding. Maybe dead.

The room settled and the mysterious dust cleared and it became apparent the fight would not have such a simple ending. There was not a single drop of red ink on the carpet, no severed digits were haphazardly strewn about. There was no sign of the little boy with the pink rabbit.

Until he giggled and dropped from the sky.

He landed on Erza shoulders, wrapping his arms around her neck.

"It was my cake," he hissed, tightening his hold.

"No," Erza gasped, struggling. "It. Was. _Mine_." She threw him off and requipped into lighter armour. Another sword appeared in her hand as Honey landed on his feet. She ran at him, slashing. Wendy had never seen anyone move so fast. But Honey was faster. He easily dodged her attacks, although he never landed any of his own. Neither Wendy nor Lucy had ever thought such a small boy would give Erza a run for her money. No one in the guild would believe this.

Speaking of guild members, Cana and Levy returned them. Haruhi wasn't far behind. The brunette was clearly intoxicated and leaning heavily on the short girl. Levy was struggling with the burden. Lucy would have run to help her but that required crossing the warzone and she valued her life.

"What is going on here?" Haruhi asked before being promptly pushed to the ground by Levy. A needle thin blade flew through the space she had previously been occupying. Honey had acquired some weapons.

"Haruhi?" The sound of her voice had apparently brought the sulking Tamaki back to life. "Are you okay? Did you get a scratch? Does Daddy need to kiss it better?"

"Go away," Haruhi grumbled, pushing Tamaki to the side. Lucy was surprised he had managed to get to her without being touched by the battling warriors. Who had just broken a table.

"What's happening," she asked again as there was another loud crash. That was the piano.

"The fight of the century," Tamaki declared. He pulled a megaphone from his jacket. "Our own master Honey is fighting the dashing stranger from a fictional land. It is a tight battle; no clear victor can be seen. Who will be triumphant in this perilous dance? Only time will tell. So come, be a spectator of this gruelling duel. You won't be disappointed!"

The guild members quickly began discussing who would be the one to break up the battle before more people arrived. They know the type of collateral damage this duel was likely to produce and hoped they could put an end to it soon.

* * *

><p>Mirajane leant back in her chair, clutching her stomach as she burst with laughter. Her eyes went back to the looking lacryma as she wiped tears from her eyes. That Kyoya boy had been right, handing out misdirections and observing the results was certainly entertaining. She had to do this more often.<p>

"What's so funny?"

Mira quickly shoved the lacryma out of sight and put on her poker face as Natsu leant against the bar. "Nothing. I just thought of something."

"Oh, okay…" The pink haired boy looked down at the wood, scratching at a dark spec. Mira wanted him to go away so she could watch the rest of the fight. And see if Erza would lose.

"Have you seen Lucy?" Natsu eventually asked. "Or any of the other girls? I want to tell them about this mission Happy and I just saw."

Mira had to fight hard to stop her mouth from twitching into a smirk. "They've gone to that spa for the week, remember."

He looked slightly disappointed. "Yeah… Where was it again?"

Mira made a big show of sighing and rolling her eyes as she wrote out the directions. "Here."

"Thanks!" Natsu snatched the paper from her fingers and ran out of the guild, shouting, "Gray! Happy!"

Mira snicked as the doors closed. _I'm a genius_, she thought to herself as she refocused the signal of the lacryma. Things were about to get even more interesting for the host boys.

**The End**

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><p>If you're still here, I thank you for reading.<p>

I think I've left the status of this story as incomplete. That's because I'll probably end up writing one more part. Probably. Because the plot bunnies love attacking me. But I don't mind so much because I love writing, this was especially fun to write. Soooooooo, next I'm probably working on the next chapter of Valentine or planning the next part of this XD

Thank you for reading. I appreciate the time you spent here, possibly absorbed in the product of my brain. My brain is one crazy place. It scares me sometimes.

I love it.

(One last thing. "Tea is for pussies" has to be my favourite line I have ever written. Ever. I don't think anyone understands how much I love that line, which came to me randomly one night. I don't even remember how. And I love tea, by the way. I have a cuppa every night. I believe I have an addiction :D)


	2. Welcome to the Homosexual Side Cast

_None of the characters from Fairy Tail or Ouran belong to me (obvs)_

_Also FINALLY PART TWO. It took me long enough. I offer apologies and explanations at the end of this chapter. But for now, enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong>Welcome to the Homosexual Side Cast<strong>

The blue cat hovered before the black sign, reading the golden engravings. _Music Room #3_. The metal jutted out of the bright pink walls, and with the bright blue feline flying against such a back drop the sign was attracting much more attention than it would during a normal school day.

"Do you think this is the place, Natsu?" Happy asked, floating down to land on the mage's shoulder. "It's got the same name on the sign."

"And the same pink door…" the Dragonslayer murmured, ignoring his cold companion's quips about how it was almost the same shade as his hair.

"Can we stop standing around and just go in already," Gajeel growled. "Who cares if it isn't the right place? I just want to see this kid that beat Erza in a fight."

"_Almost_ beat Erza," Elfman corrected. "It was a draw. No kid could beat Erza. She's a man."

"You're supposedly a man yet you get your arse kicked all the time," Gajeel spat. "Just open the door already. I want to go a round or two with the kid."

The kid was the reason they were all here. After meeting the girls on a muddy country road, where Erza was sulking with cake in her hair, and learning that a great battle had occurred—in a host club of all places—the boys had raced straight to the city that obviously wasn't Brago. There was no way they were passing up the chance to fight the little golden haired boy and prove themselves stronger than the S class wizard.

"I want to meet the ladies that frequent the club. My love life has been shockingly lacking lately." The group turned to examine the spirit that had just popped—uninvited—out of thin air. He was overdressed as usual, his spiky orange hair contrasting sharply with his black suit.

"What are you doing here, Loke?" Gray asked. As far as he knew contracted celestial spirits didn't pop up without being summoned. "Lucy never called you."

"Yeah, well, I'm special. Head of the spirits and whatever. I can show up wherever and whenever I want unless my contract or wizard forbids me. Just don't tell Lucy this little fact, okay. It would spoil my recreation time."

Natsu frowned. "You mean you spy on Lucy and the others invisibly without them knowing?" Mischief glinted in his eyes as he grinned. "Take me next time!"

"Stop being such a perverted old man," Gray slapped the back of their heads. "You're worse than the master."

"Says the guy with the stripping problem. You really should turn that into a career, Gray. At the frequency you lose your clothes you'd be more successful as an exotic dancer than a mage."

"That's it, Salamander. You asked for this." Gray ripped his shirt from his body and threw it to the side. It floated in the air, caught by a mystical breeze that dragged it further into the building, caressed by the scent of rose petals.

"What's happening?" Elfman shielded his eyes from the bright light that escaped through the seam of the pink double doors.

"It's opening…"Happy whispered in awe. "It's opening! It's opening!"

"'Bout time," Gajeel grumbled and started forward.

"Aye!" Happy agreed before his mouth was violated by a rose petal.

It was time to meet the mysterious host club.

* * *

><p>"WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED MAGES WERE IN THIS VERY BUILDING?!" Nekozawa cried. He was leaning over the host club president, stitched cat puppet held up menacingly. "I could have asked so many questions, honed my skills. Instead I have missed my biggest opportunity! You all will pay for this!" he declared. "Except Haruhi who fixed Belzeneff so quickly and expertly. Haruhi is spared. For the rest of you, curses that will follow you to your graves!"<p>

"No, Nekozawa, please," Tamaki begged, crawling after the black magician as he glided toward the door. "Anything but a curse. _Anything_."

"Your actions might be a bit extreme, Nekozawa," Kyoya muttered without looking up from his notebook. "The mages promised to return, or to at least send their comrades here. You will get your opportunity to learn more magic soon enough."

"That may be true, but it still does not excuse the fact that none of you fetched me the first time. You curse may be reduced to fifty years. Now please excuse me, I have some potions to prepare."

Tamaki squeaked as the door slammed shut. "I don't want to be cursed," he sobbed. "I just want a perfect life with a perfect princess. Haruhi, help me…."

"Senpai, get off me," Haruhi grumbled as the blond boy tried climbing up her leg. "Look after yourself."

"But it's a big scary curse," Tamaki sobbed, "and it's so long and-"

He stopped as the door hinges creaked (a newly installed feature so they could never be completely surprised by drop in customers from foreign lands ever again). In a flash he was up, racing to the couch at the centre of the room, terror forgotten.

"Places, people! Our time has come once again!"

Everyone dashed for the furniture, taking up the usual well rehearsed positions. Haruhi was the last to slump into place just as the doors completely opened and the rose petals cleared.

"Welcome, ladies, to the Ouran High School Host Club."

Silence.

Then, "ANOTHER BELZENEFF! KILL IT! KILL IT! KIIIIILLLL IIIITTTTTTTTT"

* * *

><p>"What's a host club?" Happy asked, peeking out from behind Natsu's shoulder, hiding from the crazy boy's screams.<p>

"Where Loki earns his living," Gajeel grumbled as he sauntered into the room. "This place smells weird. Like roses and sissies. Don't come in here, Elfman. Your manhood will be compromised."

"Real men are not afraid of any place," Elfman declared as he stepped into the room. The rest of the mages followed.

"This place is so…" Loki began.

"Pink," Gray finished.

"Insane," Natsu added. One of the hosts was still screaming, but from behind the couch now.

"Get rid of that thing, Haruhi," he whimpered. "Save me from that demon!"

A little boy skipped up to them, a rabbit toy crushed to his chest and a tall shadow following him. "You guys don't look like our usual customers. Or ladies."

"We're not," Natsu said, crouching down to the boy's level. "We're mages. Our friends sent us here."

The boy's eyes narrowed. "You're friends with the girl who tried to steal my cake."

"Tall, red hair, scary?"

The boy nodded and clutched the rabbit closer to his chest. "Are you here to steal my cake too?"

"Uhhhh… no?" Natsu said wearily.

"Good," the boy grinned. "Then we can be friends. I'm Honey."

With peace agreed on (for now) the introductions began.

"What are you guys doing here if you don't want my cake?" Honey asked once all the names were swapped and Tamaki had been coaxed from behind the couch to behind Haruhi.

"We wanted to see the manly boy who beat our friend." Elfman said.

"Well you guys did. I'm here for girls," Loke remarked. "Are we going to get to see any feminine ones or must I make do with Haruhi here?"

"NO!" Tamaki clutched Haruhi to him. "Daddy won't let anyone touch sweet Haruhi."

"Senpai, please let go of me."

"Sounds like you've already achieved all the things you wanted to do here," Kaoru said.

"You might as well leave now," Hikaru continued. "But that would be boring."

"Hmm yes. You should stick around. We might be able to profit from it." Kyoya adjusted his glasses. "Any ideas, Tamaki?"

The club president opens his mouth to reply but before he had the chance to say anything a loud, motorized grumble filled the room. The floor started shaking and the hosts shared a look of terror.

"What—" Gajeel started to ask before being thrown to the ground. The floors had opened; smoke spilling out into the room.

Natsu sniffed the air. A grin overtook his face. "IGNEEL? HAVE I FOUND YOU AT LAST?" But that smile disappeared as a very human silhouette rose out of the new entry.

Manacle laughter gave way to, "Never fear, dear hosts. Renge is here to save the day once again!"

"Renge," Kyoya sighed. "I really don't think we require your assistance."

"Nonsense! You'd be lost without my brilliant ideas. And I know exactly what to do with these newcomers."

Happy huddled on Natsu's shoulder. "Please don't hurt us, strange lady."

"OOOohh, what a cute little cat. I want it."

"Renge, your plan?" Kyoya prompted.

"Oh yes!" Renge clapped her hands together. "Hot boys from a mysterious land. Girls will go wild over them. Employ them as hosts!"

"That idea does have merit. We'll have to invite Nekozawa. He might decrease our curse… What do you think, Tamaki?"

A spotlight suddenly highlighted the blond boy. His fear of the cat temporarily forgotten, he was standing in a theatrical post, head bowed in thought. "I think… I think it's time to welcome new additions to the homosexual side cast!"

"The what?" Gajeel grumbled.

"You will start immediately! Today's hosting session has not yet begun, and it will feature a new theme. Mystical wizards from far away lands. Kyoya, start organizing the decorations. Twins, get the costumes. Honey, prepare the cakes. Haruhi, you stand beside Daddy and eat your fancy tuna."

Happy perked up. "Fancy _TUNA_?!"

Tamaki's expression quickly changed. "NO FANCY TUNA FOR HARUHI," he cried as the cat flew toward him. "NO MORE FANCY TUNA."

* * *

><p>Out of all the outlandish ideas Renge had implemented to the Host Club, Kyoya had to admit that this wizard theme was actually a good one. The room was crowded with girls. The majority were clustered around the new hosts, particularly the orange haired Loke. He was quite a hit with the ladies and apparently the only charmer among the group of foreigners. Kyoya might have to proposition him for later guest appearances.<p>

The other newcomers however… Well it was unlikely they'd be getting an invitation to return. Natsu was ignoring all the girls at his table. He was too busy stuffing his face with the roast of the day. The blue cat was beside him, consuming worrying amounts of tuna. The dark haired dragonslayer had mysteriously disappeared a few moments ago with Tamaki. Elfman was crouched in front of Honey and Mori.

"A real man looks after his family!" he cried. "Protect them at all costs. Don't lose control and… and…"

And the ice mage… He was certainly a hit with the ladies, but not in the way the host club wanted.

"How did you lose your clothes so fast?" Kaoru asked amid the girl's screams.

"Maybe you should teach us your ways. We could turn it into our new act," Hikaru suggested.

"You don't want him to teach you that skill!" Natsu said around a mouthful of chicken. "He only developed it to earn money from rich women on the streets before he joined the guild."

"I did not," Grey retorted. "And even if I did, I'd make more money from it than you would roasting popcorn with your shitty flames."

Natsu pushed himself up from the table. "Wanna test those flames?"

"Aw what are they going to do? Warm me up a little? Thaw my ice cold heart?"

"I'll roast you!"

Suddenly everyone was screaming. The curtains were in fire. Then frozen. Then on fire. Then frozen. It was chaos as innocents scrambled to the side of the room, putting as much distance between themselves and the battling mages as possible.

"Mages are crazy," commented Kaoru.

Hikaru turned to Kyoya. "Let's never invite them in again."

"That may be a very wise decision. The damage bill will be quite high." Kyoya sighed. "I'd best go call some of our doting parents and suggest they donate to the school again."

The fight stopped as the lights went out. A spotlight appeared over a strange new stage.

"Hello?" Gajeel said as he tapped the microphone. He had changed into a white suit. Somehow an electric guitar had also been acquired. "It's on? Good. I'd like to introduce to you my new partner, Tamaki. We're going to sing you ladies a song."

The blond boy walked out onto the stage in an elaborate white suit that matched the dragonslayers. "This song is dedicated to all the beautiful ladies out there." The girls squealed.

Gajeel cleared his throat and strummed the guitar. "Ready?"

Tamaki nodded.

"_Shooby do bop_…."

It only took that first line for Natsu and Grey to yell "ARGH SHUT UP YOU BASTARDS!" and fling themselves at the stage. Tamaki quickly jumped into the crowd of girls. Gajeel stood and met the mages head on, throwing iron enhanced punches. The fight stayed on stage until Natsu was flung out into the crowd. Fortunately, he didn't land on one of the host club patrons. Unfortunately…

"YOU DARE THROW ME DOWN?" Elman roared. "I AM A MAN. I CANNOT BE KNOCKED DOWN. I WILL PROVE MY MANLINESS." He grabbed the first thing he put his hands on and held it above his head. All regular patrons of the club were shocked into silence at the sight of the pink rabbit held in the air. No one dared gasp as he tore the bunny in half.

No one moved until Honey started snivelling.

"Oh no," Hikaru muttered. "Quick! Distract him!"

Tamaki jumped from the clutches of the girls and snatched Happy from Natsu's shoulder. The cat was promptly launched through the air toward the small host. "Look, Honey! A little cat! He's just as cute as Usa~chan. _Please don't hurt us_."

Honey hiccupped, his expression darkening. "No one. Replaces. Usa-chan!"

* * *

><p>"This is brilliant, Mira."<p>

"You should've shown us all sooner."

Mira waved the compliment away and handed the mages their drinks. "I never even thought of it until Master suggested some sort of entertainment night. And then the next day I met a lovely young man who helped me plan it. It's really him you should be thanking."

"Give him our gratitude when you see him next."

"Of course, boys. Now enjoy the rest of your night."

Mira gathered the empty glasses and walked back to the bar, weaving through tables that hadn't been this full since the opening of the new guild hall. It was a spectacle; everyone was sitting down watching the hectic entertainment provided by the group in the other realm and the Host Club's antics. It was hilarious; everyone loved it. There could not have been a better way for both sides of this endeavour to turn in such a large profit. The entire thing from Erza's intense fight over cake to Gajeel's brief but wonderful performance had been recorded in the looking lacryma. A connected projecting lacryma displayed the image onto the large blank wall at the back of the guild hall used for movie nights and quest briefings. All the mages that had wandered in to escape the passing storm had soon been captured by the events passing before them and bought three more drinks to pass the time. Mira was taking mental notes to improve the event for next time. As long as the girls didn't come back and discover this scheme or the team recognised the fake instructions the next time she handed them out, this could go on for a very long time indeed.

The sound of the great guild doors being thrown open interrupted them. A small silouhette stood hunched in the open space, the summer storm raging behind him.

"Romeo?" Macao said at the sight of his son. The boy had been out, spreading the word of the comedy available while simultaneously keeping a look out. "What's wrong?"

"They're coming…" the boy puffed. "Erza, Wendy, and everyone… They're coming."

For tens seconds after the words fell from the child's mouth the entire room was quiet, only the sound from the lacryma penetrating the silence.

"Oh ho ho, better get to it, boys," Makarov chuckled from his perch on the second floor. "Erza's wrath isn't something to take lightly."

Scraping chairs sent chills down hundreds of backs as the mob rushed to the guild entrance and streamed from the building, filing down hidden alleys and tripping into the closest stores. Those still in the guild hurried to remove the evidence of the crowd. Gallons of beer were tossed out the window and cups hurled in the direction of the kitchen. Chairs were righted as fast as physically possible, tables arranged once again in neat rows. The last person was diving into a chair (which promptly fell over) and Mira was stashing the lacryma crystals under the bar as the heavy wooden doors swung open again.

"Welcome back, girls," Mira said cheerily as the group wound their way through the tables. "You're back earlier than expected. Was there something wrong with the spa or— Is that cake in your hair, Erza?"

Rage filled the knight's face as Lucy brushed past her, pleading with Mira not to ask any more questions, which was a shame. Mira had been looking forward to holding the fight results over Erza. Though that didn't mean she couldn't use it for blackmail later…

"Are you guys hungry?" Mira asked. "We have some fresh blueberry cake. No strawberry cake though, sorry, Erza. I'm afraid a little blond boy had the last piece a few hours ago."

Never had such a glorious scream escaped from the red head's mouth. Oh yes, Mira was going to get some enjoyment from this.

**The End**

* * *

><p><em>Oh my god I finally finished it! And just in time for Christmas and New Years. It only took me two years or so...<em>

_I'm really sorry for making you guys wait for this. That wasn't my intentions at first. But the thing is, I got into vet school. My entire life for the last two years has been study study study. And when I wasn't studying, there was no motivation to write. This is the first fictional thing I've written since 2012 so I'm sorry if it's crap. I'm really rusty._

_In any cause it's complete now! I hope you enjoyed the craziness. For those waiting for me to write more Valentine- I'm contemplating continuing that properly. I might try to write a bit here and there. Hopefully I have enough time to write a chapter every few months but it really depends on how much study I have. I really would like to finish though (and leave you with just a few more cruel cliffhangers mwahahaha)._

_I hope you're all having a lovely Christmas or whatever holiday you do or don't celebrate. Here's hoping I get time to write in the New Year XD_


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